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Every flavor of Choco Pie, ranked

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First of all, let's start with some definitions:

In order to not repeat the same stuff more than necessary, here are the things that are common to all flavors of the given brand. Keep them in mind when trying to picture what a flavor would taste like to you:

From best to worst, split into categories.

  1. Black Currant, Orion
  2. Cranberry, Orion

A vanilla purist may condemn my decision to rank these two the highest, but I genuinely think they deserve it. They both have lots of jam inside, taste like the actual fruit they're supposed to represent, and are just right amount of sweet. I also love black currant as a berry (it's probably second to my favorite), so I'm bit biased here anyway.

  1. Original, Orion

If you're picking a Choco Pie for the first time, this is likely your safest bet, which you could probably already tell by the number of flavors ranked lower. Also let's be real, it should've been called "Vanilla". "Original" is way too fancy of a name.

  1. Vienna Cake, Orion
  2. Cherry, Orion
  3. Raspberry, Orion

These are about as well produced as the fruit flavors ranked higher, but in my opinion, don't taste as good. Vienna Cake (what even is this name) hits the right spot even though it uses Dark as its base which I'm not that big of a fan of. The peach jam tastes more like orange jam, but I still have to say the combination of the two works really well. Raspberry, on the other hand, is my favorite berry, but for some reason, I'm not a fan of raspberry jam. The Choco Pie unfortunately doesn't manage to make me a fan of it. It's still good but I'd very much rather eat strawberry jam.

  1. Vanilla, Lotte

If your only choices are this and a fruit flavor you haven't tried yet, this is likely your safest bet. It's not quite as good, in my opinion, as Original but it's not much worse. By the way, it's not really called "Vanilla" since the box doesn't name any flavor.

  1. Apple-Cinnamon, Orion
  2. Chocochip & Orange, Orion
  3. Mango, Orion
  4. Dark, Orion
  5. Caramel, Orion
  6. Poppy, Orion

These are generally not that great in my opinion. Well, except for Caramel which is simply indistinguishable from Dark. Maybe I got unlucky and mine happened to have little to no caramel in it. Dark itself, by the way, is uhh... Well, don't get me wrong, it's fine and has its unique flavor, but I would very much rather eat an Original. I just don't vibe with it. In fact, I don't vibe with it exactly the same way I don't vibe with the poppy seeds in Poppy. In this case, however, the additional flavor is more weird and less interesting.

Either way, the other 3 flavors are not that noteworthy. Apple-Cinnamon tastes like an actual apple and I can sorta get behind it. I'm not sure if I can taste the cinnamon, but to be fair, I haven't ever tried actual cinnamon. The chocolate chips in the Chocochip & Orange are a bit gimmicky but don't hurt. Mango is decent but that's about it. But hey, at least it's already miles ahead of the mango flavor of Bounty.

  1. Strawberry, Orion
  2. Strawberry, Lotte
  3. Banana, Lotte

These are not worth your money. They don't have any actual jam inside but instead have a bit of food coloring and a flavoring agent that tastes vaguely like fruit. And yes, this includes Strawberry by Orion, which is incredibly underwhelming. It's supposed to have strawberry jam, but I swear couldn't taste any. I would've loved it otherwise.

  1. Cacao, Lotte
  2. Coconut, Orion

Do not buy these flavors. Cacao is a disgusting bitter piece of shit that's nowhere near being comparable to Dark. This is strange, considering Lotte flavors are generally more sweet which should help, but it fucking doesn't. Coconut is Original that tastes like it had cum diluted in its marshmallow. It may not sound that bad (okay, maybe it does) but remember: this is considered a "premium" flavor, making it a third more expensive. I regret paying for it. No wonder no one else wants to buy them.

Just buy vanilla.